The Voice I Couldn't Turn Off

the text came in at 1:40, mid call. the ceiling's leaking into the kitchen, i don't know what to do, come home. i saw it light up on my second monitor while a stranger was telling me his order never shipped, and i heard myself say i completely understand how frustrating that must be, let's get this sorted out for you, in the exact voice i use for everyone, warm and a little slow, built for people who are already annoyed.

i finished the call. four minutes, maybe five, walking him through a refund while my own kitchen was somewhere flooding without me. i said have a great rest of your night before i even looked back at the screen.

then i tried to call him back and i couldn't find my real voice to do it with. i sat there with my headset still on, mute light off, and everything that came out sounded like i was about to offer him a discount for his trouble. i had to write it instead. on my way, be there soon, love you, which isn't how i talk either, it's just shorter than the other one.

i don't know when the calm voice became the first one that shows up. i used to think it stayed at the desk when i clocked out. i think about that on the drive home more than i think about the ceiling.