The Group Chat Went Quiet

i scrolled up in the group chat tonight. the one named something stupid we thought was hilarious in 2019.

last message: march fourth. someone's 'lol' to a thing i can't even see the context for anymore. then nothing. four months of nothing and none of us said anything about the nothing.

we didn't fight. that's the part i keep turning over. no falling out, no screenshot, no taking sides. we just answered slower and slower until answering stopped.

i typed 'miss you guys' and looked at it. true, and also a little bit of a lie. i miss who we were in that chat. i'm not sure i'd know what to say to who they are now. one of them has a kid. one moved. one i only know is alive because a mutual likes her posts.

i didn't send it. i never send it.

there's a voice note in there from emma, two years old now, ninety seconds of her laughing about something none of us would get anymore. i played it with the volume low so the room wouldn't feel so much like a room.

then i left it on read, the way you leave a light on in a house nobody lives in anymore. just so it isn't all the way dark.