I Let It Ring Out

my brother called at 1am. we don't call. we haven't really called in three years, not since the thing at the house that everyone in the family has a different version of.

i was standing in the kitchen getting water and the phone just lit up with his name. the contact photo still the one from someone's wedding, both of us in ties we hated.

i let it ring out. i watched it the whole time, like watching something approach that you could stop and choosing not to.

no voicemail. of course no voicemail. we're the same that way, both of us too proud to leave a record of needing anything.

i stood there after with the glass i never actually filled. it's almost 2 now. i keep thinking. one in the morning. you don't call your estranged brother at 1am to fight. you call because something happened, or because you couldn't sleep and your thumb knew the number before your head could stop it.

i have the call back pulled up. his name, the wedding photo, the ties. i've had it pulled up for forty minutes.

the worst part isn't that he called. it's that i recognized the feeling exactly. i was going to do the same thing to him some other night. i just lost the race to the phone.