Still Pending, On Purpose

the app still says pending. i'm on the couch, everyone else asleep, phone bright in a dark room, and it still says pending. eight months, and it hasn't changed to declined or expired, because payment apps don't expire a request between two people, they just sit there being technically still owed.

it was the deposit on the apartment we were supposed to split, back when we were still the kind of friends who split things. she moved out before the first month was even up, texted something about her mom needing her, and that was the last real conversation we had. i covered the rest myself. i told everyone i didn't care about the money, and mostly that's true.

what i do care about is that little pending tag. some nights i open the app for no reason and just look at her name next to that patient little word, pending. i tap remind. i watch the notification preview build in my thumb. i don't send it.

i counted tonight. i've opened this app eleven times this month and sent nothing eleven times.

if i send the reminder, she either pays it or she doesn't, and either way the number stops meaning anything. right now it's the only proof i have that she owes me something, and i think i'd rather keep being owed than find out i'm not.