I Missed My Stop Tonight

i missed my stop on the night bus tonight. not asleep. just looking out the window not registering that the window was showing me my own street, the one i've walked a thousand times, and it went by and i let it.

i got off three stops later in a part of the city i don't really go. everything was shut. that orange streetlight color that makes everyone look like they're already a memory. and i stood there and for a long minute i genuinely could not produce a reason to walk in any particular direction. like all the directions were the same amount of pointless.

it passed. it always passes. i found north, more or less, and started the walk back, and my legs knew the way even while the rest of me was somewhere far behind.

here's what got me, walking home. it wasn't that i felt nothing. i've felt nothing before. it was how normal it was. how i kept noticing the cracks in the pavement and stepping over them out of habit. a person with no reason to be anywhere, still being careful not to step on the cracks.

i'm home now. i made tea. i'm fine.

i just keep thinking about how easily i went past the stop. and how part of me wanted to see how far the bus would go.